Making Happy {at home}: breast cancer

Joy Over Fear

April 01, 2016

I was inspired to join the discussion about fear and how we can sometimes let it overtake our lives, cloud our decisions and steal our joy by the lovely Natalie, of Natalie Creates. Natalie writes openly about the fear and anxiety that comes along with putting everything you have into a new business venture, a venture that will surely bring joy, but also the possibility of heartache. She writes about grabbing on to that fear but moving forward anyway. It's hard putting yourself out there whether it be in the business world, as a blogger, as a parent, or just at tackling life in general. My fear is not a fear of failure or of not being successful, but it's still a fear of putting myself out there and losing everything. My fear stems around cancer {of course}. I promise you this isn't going to become "Cancery Blog the Sequel", but in an effort to be open in this space this is an important part of the story.

Before cancer I was bopping along enjoying life, I was writing fun little blog posts about crafting and cooking and life in general. I loved decorating our home, cooking meals for family and friends and sharing DIY tips with any of the three followers I had at the time. I was content and finally felt like I was becoming comfortable in my own skin. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I was just, HAPPY.

Mother's Day, two weeks prior to hearing "the words". That dress is in a trash bag in our garage.

Then in May of 2013, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35. Cue the dark clouds. Suddenly everything I was doing, everything that was making me happy became trivial. I no longer cared about decorating my home, or doing crafts, or spending time looking up new recipes. All of those things felt silly. I couldn't imagine how I ever thought they were important. I woke up every single day with paralyzing fear and the thought "please...PLEASE God let this be a terrible dream". I looked at my boys and was afraid that I wouldn't be around to see them go to kindergarten. I looked at my husband and pictured him living a life without me. I saw my parents and was heartbroken by the thought of them watching their child go through something so terrible. ALL I cared about was staying alive, but in the process I think I became afraid to actually LIVE.

The day after hearing "the words". The lake makes just living life easier.

As time passed, treatments were checked off, and surgeries were completed I slowly fell back into the swing of life. I'm sure to the outside observer it actually looked like we were living life like "normal" through the whole thing - and to some extent we were - but the undercurrent of my thoughts hasn't been the same since the day I heard "the words". I still wake up every day thinking about cancer. I have hope that the stories from others who have "been there" are true and that maybe someday I will wake up and cancer WON'T be the first thing to cross my mind, but for now, the thoughts still come fast and hard and a bit too frequently.

Chickens are a pretty good source of "happy".

Which brings me to today and this space. If I'm being completely honest I was REALLY afraid to re-start this blog and not for the reasons you may think. I'm not afraid that people won't read it, that doesn't bother me - I love making pretty things regardless. I'm not afraid that my writing isn't good enough or that my ideas aren't original enough - there will always be better writers and more inventive crafters. What I AM afraid of is going to sound completely irrational, but it's very real to me so I might as well own it. I'm afraid that if I start focusing on crafting and cooking and chickens and camping and all of the "c's" that are much more pleasant than cancer, if I start giving these parts of my life priority over fear, these things that honestly make me happy and make me ME, then the cancer will come back. I'm afraid that if I get too comfortable with feeling content or joyful again, that cancer will say "Haha! You thought you could be happy? You went right back to thinking those trivial things were important, well guess what? I'LL show you what's REALLY important! BOOM!". I've been wrapping fear around me like a blanket, letting it grab me too tight, to consume me. Maybe writing these words will help. Maybe saying them out loud will help me let go, to unwrap myself, to move on. Or maybe I'll still have to sit with these feelings for a while, try and work with the fear instead of fighting against it. Either way, I am making a conscious effort to put Joy OVER cancer.

backyardchickens

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